Hey, Who Moved My Cape?

I used to feel like such a powerful woman. Though I did not enjoy obstacles, I found a way to conquer them…even those that appeared impossible. It got to the point where one friend nicknamed me “Superwoman.” Sometimes I look back on my life and marvel at how far I’ve come. I know others have faced far greater difficulties than me, but I’ve still done a lot. Here are a few examples where my faith, my family and my Superwoman cape got me through:

• Graduating college - When I got pregnant with my first child right before freshman year, all I could think about was how I’d have to skip college. Yes, I was concerned about the health of my baby, but I wondered if my life would be over before it really started. At that moment, I decided to continue the pursuit of my college dreams. With determination and MUCH help from the family, I was able to graduate on time (4 years) and with honors. I was excited to see my preschooler clapping for me in the audience at graduation.
  
  
• Buying a home before age 30 - Ready to hit the post-college world, I took what I thought would be a well-paying job. It wasn’t. This is where my Superwoman tendencies got me into trouble. Instead of asking for help when my less than stellar paychecks weren’t enough to cover the bills, I used credit instead. Bad move. I look back now and realize how much I could have avoided if I’d just demanded fair pay at work or even told my family that I needed a personal bailout plan. Needless to say, my creditors didn’t care either way and promptly put negative remarks on my credit report. I got diligent about my finances, even moving back home for a time. Years later when I relocated for a different job, I just KNEW I was going to have to get an apartment in a bad neighborhood. Imagine my surprise when my diligence paid off, and I was approved for a home loan in a neighborhood where most don’t even lock their doors at night. Thanks trusty cape!
  
  
• Starting a business – I’ve always had a passion for entrepreneurship. That not-so-great after college job reminded me of that, and I left because many of my talents weren’t being utilized, the pay was not enough, and I knew I had the potential to do more. I channeled that into starting my own small business. I did not have much money, but I did have enough to pay for a web site, phone line and paper to print my own business cards. I promoted as many free places as I could, but business was slow. After 6 months with few clients, I was thisclose to giving up. Something told me to stick it out (God I’m sure), and within a week I had a steady stream of paying clients. I identified a lot with the “You’re Closer Than You Think” notion here.

Those were more businesslike examples, but I thank God for helping me get through the personal issues as well, such as the death of my mom and the non-relationship I have with my biological father. Please don’t read this and think I’m impenetrable or even lack humility. I’ve cried more times than I care to count, and I rarely brag on my accomplishments. I know I would’ve gotten nowhere without God’s favor in my life and the support of my family and friends. It’s just that back then I had a different perspective on life. What others saw as impossibilities, I saw as challenges to overcome. When a person would look at my situation and go, “I don’t think that’s going to happen: you have a young child, bad credit, no money, so-so grad school test scores, etc.” I’d think, “Ok, but why can’t I at least try to accomplish this? If it doesn’t work, then at least I did my best. God hasn’t left me, so I’m sure He won’t let me fall now.” The person would give me a crazy look but then be right there me with celebrating when the challenge was overcome. Superwoman saved the day again.

Then a shift happened. It started with me pursuing a full-time job again after grad school. For some reason, I thought it would be an easy transition to go from owning my time as a business owner to letting someone else own my time as an employee. Being new, I also failed to notice that it was more about “fit” and some level of conformity than individuality, and I’ve always followed my own path. As you can imagine, the challenges began. I tried my usual, “Ok obstacle. I see you, but I can do this” approach…and it didn’t work. Hold on…it didn’t work? “This must be a mistake,” I thought, “Let me try again.” Still, nothing happened. It was like a super villain added kryptonite to the secret compartment in my lunch box. I think that super villain must’ve slipped some kryptonite in my chimney at home because it got shaky there, too. The obstacles kept coming, and I felt like I was tripping over them left and right. Talk about getting knocked down a peg. Slowly, I let the challenges take away my drive, my passion and my hope for better outcomes. Superwoman hung up her cape in the closet and shut the door. Soon everything seemed like a challenge: getting up in the morning, helping with homework, going to the gym and being excited for the next pre-meeting at work to prepare for the pre-meeting before the real meeting the week after.

What happened to me? Where did I go? How could I have accomplished SO much and still feel like such a failure? I think I see now…each seemingly insurmountable challenge made me turn more and more away from God. Yes, I was still going to church and praying, but I made those challenges my god. I thought about them every single day and even framed my prayers around getting over them vs. just asking God that His will be done. Each day that I operated like this, I gave away a little more of my power until the “S” on my chest was barely visible. I went from “Why won’t I be able to accomplish this task?” to “You’re right, I guess I can’t do that. Maybe I’m not that girl anymore.”

After living this way for more than a year, I’m tired. I almost have to laugh when I get scared to do something because often it’s something I’ve done before, like start or rebuild a business. I’m almost ready to grab my cape out of the closet and fly off the roof into the world of the unknown. I say almost because it feels like a chain of conformity is tied to my ankle trying to keep me “grounded.” It’s tethered to a chain of insecurities like, “What if I don’t make enough money? What if I lose the house? What if I don’t make it?!” But what if I do? Tax refund season is coming, and I’m typically blessed with a refund. My family is willing to help. I have old clients who raved about my good work. I have friends. I have networks. I have God. Hmm…the cape is just sitting there in the closet, the window is open and it is a beautiful night. Maybe Superwoman can fly again. I think she’ll have to.

I'm Scared - For the Grown Folks

Hello blog family.  It's been awhile since I posted.  We will pick up with Day 8 of "The Purpose Driven Life" soon, but I felt compelled to write an addendum to the "I'm Scared" post written earlier in this blog.  I wrote about how it was my choice as a college student to leave a job that didn't utilize my skills and talents and only afforded me a paycheck.  As someone who is still working her corporate day job but completely unhappy and ready to go, I sit here and wonder why I didn't take my own advice and just leave.  Well...here's what I discovered...

Life has changed dramatically since I left my post as copy girl.  I am a homeowner with a mortgage.  I have children who enjoy eating and wearing clothes (though with the youngest the clothes are debateable). I have vehicles with monthly car notes due.  Because we like electricity, water, and the garbage not collecting in a heap inside the garage, those bills must be paid, too.  I, like many of you, have become a victim of stuff.  Stuff can get in the way when you least expect it. Why do we hold onto jobs we no longer enjoy?  Why do we drive 25 miles one way only to wish we were back in our beds?  Why do we neglect our children for 3 hours to finish that last email or phone call only to find them asleep when we tear ourselves away from the computer?  Most times it's not because we love it or enjoy giving the best hours of our day to a job that someone else owns.  No, it's because we want to keep our stuff.  What we need to remember, what I need to remember, is that God always provides - “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow...." Matthew 6:31-34 NIV

We can become so trapped by things that we forget to seek God and His guidance. Instead, we try to make things happen by ourselves.  We go back to the "Yes, God, I could leave this job, but since I've got all this stuff to pay for I think I'll stick it out," or, "I know you just blessed me with 10 client leads, but I don't know if they will pay on time.  I think I'll pass those on to someone else who has the time to chase them."  Well, my friends, that is not the way to go - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." - Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV

The two verses mentioned above are what I'm using to step out on faith and change my situation.  My life is very different than 10+ years ago when I left my post as copy girl and even 5+ years ago when I was living in my family's house starting my technology business.  I acknowledge that I have gotten caught up in accumulating a bunch of stuff and therefore limited some of my mobility. However, I know that if I trust God, He will open doors that I never imagined would open.  It's true for you, too.  This does not mean giving up the purpose God placed on your heart.  No, it means that you need to create a viable plan to achieve it.  For me, that means changing my current work situation so that I can be in an environment conducive to working on my business when I get home and on the weekends.  Right now thoughts of my current job take up so many of my thoughts that I need to just let it go.  Rather than just complain, I have actually put applications in at several local companies.  Pray for me ya'll.  If it's for me, then God will open that door.  I do still have strong entrepreneurial desires and a better day job will enable me to put those pieces together quicker.  The economy is crazy right now, and jobs seem to be scarce.  However, I have to trust God, stop worrying and step out on faith.  He's never let me down yet...especially when it really mattered.

So...in the midst of all your grown folks stuff - house, car, kids, gym memberships, shopping habits, etc. - are you willing to modify your plans enough to make way for God's purpose?  Remember, it may not mean leaving your job, relationship, hometown, school, etc. tomorrow, but it does mean trusting God and taking tiny steps toward your purpose.  That's how grown folks make it happen.  :-)

I'm Scared

For the past couple of weeks, it feels like God has strengthened the desire in me to start my own business. It's to the point where roadblocks go up when I try to work on my day job - yesterday's computer issues are a good example. Rather than leave and run to the nearest "work from home" connection, I did some personal development work. My head is unfocused on the day job than I imagined.

It scares me because I know that starting and running a business again will take a a lot of time, effort and money. I also know that my day job is making me unhappy. However, what I don't know is when to make that leap of faith. I first thought I heard "one year" as the time frame, but now January seems more likely - new year and new business. That's how I started over 5 years ago.

I've found myself going through what I call the "Yes, but" syndrome. Instead of pressing forward, there are excuses like -

"Yes, I could quit tomorrow, but then what about the house, car and utilities? What about money?" or "Yes, but what if I get no clients and have to take a lower paying job in the interim...and can't find one?" or even, "Yes, but I don't have a new computer or the right software or am scared to market my business while I still have my day job." These are all valid concerns, but they are excuses. God ALWAYS provides, especially when you are following His will for your life. He will open doors and windows that you didn't even know existed. You have to step out on faith.

The fact that I'm scared is almost funny to me as I'm not new to starting a business on a shoestring budget. My 1st full-time business was started in my family's house with the computer software I owned at the time. I couldn't afford a formal business telephone line, so I invested less than $20 a month on voicemail. All business cards and logos were created by me, and I spent hours perfecting my web site. Still...I didn't get my first client until 6 months after I'd officially opened my doors. From that day forward, inquiries came on a regular basis, and the work was steady. I stepped out on faith, and God made it happen.

Still...it's hard. I've been meditating on this verse lately - "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7). I need to remember what God has given us...and it's not fear. Stepping out on faith is important. I know my purpose and the desires that He placed on my heart. I need to trust that God has my back like He always does. Even if I'm not ready to hand in my resignation letter on Monday, I can make steps this weekend and everyday to making full-time entrepreneurship a reality.

So...I'm scared, but I won't let that paralyze me. I'm scared, but I won't let that hold me back from hearing God's voice. I'm scared, but I will take little steps towards my purpose until God tells me it's time to take a big one.

So what are you scared of? What do you need to trust God for? What goals do you have that only God's miracles can make happen? Don't let fear keep you from your purpose.