Hey, Who Moved My Cape?

I used to feel like such a powerful woman. Though I did not enjoy obstacles, I found a way to conquer them…even those that appeared impossible. It got to the point where one friend nicknamed me “Superwoman.” Sometimes I look back on my life and marvel at how far I’ve come. I know others have faced far greater difficulties than me, but I’ve still done a lot. Here are a few examples where my faith, my family and my Superwoman cape got me through:

• Graduating college - When I got pregnant with my first child right before freshman year, all I could think about was how I’d have to skip college. Yes, I was concerned about the health of my baby, but I wondered if my life would be over before it really started. At that moment, I decided to continue the pursuit of my college dreams. With determination and MUCH help from the family, I was able to graduate on time (4 years) and with honors. I was excited to see my preschooler clapping for me in the audience at graduation.
  
  
• Buying a home before age 30 - Ready to hit the post-college world, I took what I thought would be a well-paying job. It wasn’t. This is where my Superwoman tendencies got me into trouble. Instead of asking for help when my less than stellar paychecks weren’t enough to cover the bills, I used credit instead. Bad move. I look back now and realize how much I could have avoided if I’d just demanded fair pay at work or even told my family that I needed a personal bailout plan. Needless to say, my creditors didn’t care either way and promptly put negative remarks on my credit report. I got diligent about my finances, even moving back home for a time. Years later when I relocated for a different job, I just KNEW I was going to have to get an apartment in a bad neighborhood. Imagine my surprise when my diligence paid off, and I was approved for a home loan in a neighborhood where most don’t even lock their doors at night. Thanks trusty cape!
  
  
• Starting a business – I’ve always had a passion for entrepreneurship. That not-so-great after college job reminded me of that, and I left because many of my talents weren’t being utilized, the pay was not enough, and I knew I had the potential to do more. I channeled that into starting my own small business. I did not have much money, but I did have enough to pay for a web site, phone line and paper to print my own business cards. I promoted as many free places as I could, but business was slow. After 6 months with few clients, I was thisclose to giving up. Something told me to stick it out (God I’m sure), and within a week I had a steady stream of paying clients. I identified a lot with the “You’re Closer Than You Think” notion here.

Those were more businesslike examples, but I thank God for helping me get through the personal issues as well, such as the death of my mom and the non-relationship I have with my biological father. Please don’t read this and think I’m impenetrable or even lack humility. I’ve cried more times than I care to count, and I rarely brag on my accomplishments. I know I would’ve gotten nowhere without God’s favor in my life and the support of my family and friends. It’s just that back then I had a different perspective on life. What others saw as impossibilities, I saw as challenges to overcome. When a person would look at my situation and go, “I don’t think that’s going to happen: you have a young child, bad credit, no money, so-so grad school test scores, etc.” I’d think, “Ok, but why can’t I at least try to accomplish this? If it doesn’t work, then at least I did my best. God hasn’t left me, so I’m sure He won’t let me fall now.” The person would give me a crazy look but then be right there me with celebrating when the challenge was overcome. Superwoman saved the day again.

Then a shift happened. It started with me pursuing a full-time job again after grad school. For some reason, I thought it would be an easy transition to go from owning my time as a business owner to letting someone else own my time as an employee. Being new, I also failed to notice that it was more about “fit” and some level of conformity than individuality, and I’ve always followed my own path. As you can imagine, the challenges began. I tried my usual, “Ok obstacle. I see you, but I can do this” approach…and it didn’t work. Hold on…it didn’t work? “This must be a mistake,” I thought, “Let me try again.” Still, nothing happened. It was like a super villain added kryptonite to the secret compartment in my lunch box. I think that super villain must’ve slipped some kryptonite in my chimney at home because it got shaky there, too. The obstacles kept coming, and I felt like I was tripping over them left and right. Talk about getting knocked down a peg. Slowly, I let the challenges take away my drive, my passion and my hope for better outcomes. Superwoman hung up her cape in the closet and shut the door. Soon everything seemed like a challenge: getting up in the morning, helping with homework, going to the gym and being excited for the next pre-meeting at work to prepare for the pre-meeting before the real meeting the week after.

What happened to me? Where did I go? How could I have accomplished SO much and still feel like such a failure? I think I see now…each seemingly insurmountable challenge made me turn more and more away from God. Yes, I was still going to church and praying, but I made those challenges my god. I thought about them every single day and even framed my prayers around getting over them vs. just asking God that His will be done. Each day that I operated like this, I gave away a little more of my power until the “S” on my chest was barely visible. I went from “Why won’t I be able to accomplish this task?” to “You’re right, I guess I can’t do that. Maybe I’m not that girl anymore.”

After living this way for more than a year, I’m tired. I almost have to laugh when I get scared to do something because often it’s something I’ve done before, like start or rebuild a business. I’m almost ready to grab my cape out of the closet and fly off the roof into the world of the unknown. I say almost because it feels like a chain of conformity is tied to my ankle trying to keep me “grounded.” It’s tethered to a chain of insecurities like, “What if I don’t make enough money? What if I lose the house? What if I don’t make it?!” But what if I do? Tax refund season is coming, and I’m typically blessed with a refund. My family is willing to help. I have old clients who raved about my good work. I have friends. I have networks. I have God. Hmm…the cape is just sitting there in the closet, the window is open and it is a beautiful night. Maybe Superwoman can fly again. I think she’ll have to.

It's Been One of Those Days...

Have you ever had one of those days, weeks or months when nothing seemed to be going right? I feel like I've been going through "the crazy" for almost the entire month of September. From being sick on/off for weeks to the children running through the house like they have no manners to my computer crashing right before a deadline, it has been difficult. I've been going from, "How am I EVER going to get this done?" panic to "Calm down, God's got you" relief in a matter of hours. This is not a good way to live.

In the midst of life's woes, I have to remember that God is always in control. Anything that appears insurmountable to me is nothing when compared to God's strength, "I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?" (Jeremiah 32:27 NIV)

Today I'm going to focus on that scripture and stop stressing out. Can you do the same? Look at what you thought was negative and focus on how you can turn it around for God's good. I'll take my day today and try to reframe:

- I'm still sick - God has a great purpose for me that I can't achieve unless I'm healthy. He is giving me this time to rest and recuperate, not to keep working.

- Deadlines are looming, and my computer is acting up - Like before, maybe it's time to turn off the computer and relax. Spend time with the family, and focus on work once I've calmed down.

- The kids are driving me crazy - Be grateful for the little ones in my life. There are so many men and women who pray for healthy children and don't have them. I give God thanks for my little speed demons, even when they tear through the house knocking down everything in their path.

Ok...I feel better. I think I'll head home soon to follow my own advice. What about you?

The Process to Purpose

It's been at least a month since I first wrote about rediscovering God's purpose for my life. You can tell from my post that I was excited to start living in it, but I didn't do that right away. Despite this big revelation from God, I was still stuck in feeling bad about my work situation and even how some things were going personally. I couldn't understand why I had such conflicting emotions: one part of me was ready to jump head first into God's vision for my life, but the other part couldn't move past the pain I wrote about in the first blog post. Why did it still hurt so much?

A month later, I understand why. There is a process to this purpose thing:

- Step 1: Be receptive to God's voice. If you've read my first blog post, you'll remember that I was hearing Him loud and clear. :-) I know my purpose is related to entrepreneurship and empowering others.

- Step 2: Allow yourself to feel and then move through the negative emotions of the past. This is where I got stuck. I tried to convince myself that I was done with the pain, when in fact, I never addressed it. I was putting on the "Everything is just fine" face as a front for coworkers, friends and family. One night I decided that I had enough. I cried out to God (literally) and told Him about all my pain, frustrations, anger, and hurt. I praised Him for getting me through this far and told him to take away the pain. I was too tired to keep carrying it. I had kept so much bottled up over the past year that after at least an hour of crying, I fell asleep. I woke up feeling a little better, but some of the negativity was still there. That's when I had to move on to Step 3.

- Step 3: Forgive yourself. Though it's been hard, I made a point to pray for those who hurt me over this past year. I forgave them for the pain they caused me and even wish them well. However, I never took the time to forgive myself for the pain I caused others by dwelling in negativity...and I had done some bad things. I made work a god, neglected my family and friends, neglected my health, lost confidence in my abilities, and even lost a piece of me. As silly as it may sound, I looked myself in the mirror, apologized and forgave.

- Step 4: Get to the root of what took you off track. My revelation came as I was journaling about a completely different topic. Then in the side bar I wrote a little note, "I'm tired of letting my want of perfection drag me down!" Aha! That was it! I stopped living my life on purpose because I thought I had to be perfect. Anytime I wasn't perfect/acting like a superhero, I took it as an indication that I was letting myself and others down. Because the past year had been one imperfection after another, I started letting people define me instead of letting God define me. I let others make me feel "less than" and forgot that I am created in God's image. All my life I had been striving to be that perfect person, and while it got me far in places like school, ultimately it was tearing me apart. From that moment on, I decided to be ok with my faults. I am no longer going to hurt myself or those around me to be perfect. After making that commitment and sharing it with others, the negative emotions went away. To make sure they don't come back, I've made a plan to reframe my thinking. I also shared this with close family and friends so they can hold me accountable if they see me drifting back into those negative emotions. Now , my mind is free to think of all the ways I can bring God's purpose to life. I also thank God for learning this lesson so the test does not need to be repeated. :-)

Step 5: Take actionable steps to living your life on purpose. To bring this to fruition in my own life, I create weekly goals. Because my roadblock was perfectionism, my initial goals are purposely small. This way I will be able to achieve them, feel good about moving closer to my purpose and not get sucked back into thinking I need to be a superhero at all times.

Have you gone through this process? If so, were you able to figure out what's been holding you back all these years? Did you devise a plan so that the roadblock won't come back easily? Are you taking actionable steps toward your purpose?

Remember that you're not alone in this. I'd love to hear how you're doing and offer my support!