- Graduating college - When I got pregnant with my first child right before freshman year, all I could think about was how I’d have to skip college. Yes, I was concerned about the health of my baby, but I wondered if my life would be over before it really started. At that moment, I decided to continue the pursuit of my college dreams. With determination and MUCH help from the family, I was able to graduate on time (4 years) and with honors. I was excited to see my preschooler clapping for me in the audience at graduation.
- Buying a home before age 30 - Ready to hit the post-college world, I took what I thought would be a well-paying job. It wasn’t. This is where my Superwoman tendencies got me into trouble. Instead of asking for help when my less than stellar paychecks weren’t enough to cover the bills, I used credit instead. Bad move. I look back now and realize how much I could have avoided if I’d just demanded fair pay at work or even told my family that I needed a personal bailout plan. Needless to say, my creditors didn’t care either way and promptly put negative remarks on my credit report. I got diligent about my finances, even moving back home for a time. Years later when I relocated for a different job, I just KNEW I was going to have to get an apartment in a bad neighborhood. Imagine my surprise when my diligence paid off, and I was approved for a home loan in a neighborhood where most don’t even lock their doors at night. Thanks trusty cape!
- Starting a business – I’ve always had a passion for entrepreneurship. That not-so-great after college job reminded me of that, and I left because many of my talents weren’t being utilized, the pay was not enough, and I knew I had the potential to do more. I channeled that into starting my own small business. I did not have much money, but I did have enough to pay for a web site, phone line and paper to print my own business cards. I promoted as many free places as I could, but business was slow. After 6 months with few clients, I was thisclose to giving up. Something told me to stick it out (God I’m sure), and within a week I had a steady stream of paying clients. I identified a lot with the “You’re Closer Than You Think” notion here.
Those were more businesslike examples, but I thank God for helping me get through the personal issues as well, such as the death of my mom and the non-relationship I have with my biological father. Please don’t read this and think I’m impenetrable or even lack humility. I’ve cried more times than I care to count, and I rarely brag on my accomplishments. I know I would’ve gotten nowhere without God’s favor in my life and the support of my family and friends. It’s just that back then I had a different perspective on life. What others saw as impossibilities, I saw as challenges to overcome. When a person would look at my situation and go, “I don’t think that’s going to happen: you have a young child, bad credit, no money, so-so grad school test scores, etc.” I’d think, “Ok, but why can’t I at least try to accomplish this? If it doesn’t work, then at least I did my best. God hasn’t left me, so I’m sure He won’t let me fall now.” The person would give me a crazy look but then be right there me with celebrating when the challenge was overcome. Superwoman saved the day again.
Then a shift happened. It started with me pursuing a full-time job again after grad school. For some reason, I thought it would be an easy transition to go from owning my time as a business owner to letting someone else own my time as an employee. Being new, I also failed to notice that it was more about “fit” and some level of conformity than individuality, and I’ve always followed my own path. As you can imagine, the challenges began. I tried my usual, “Ok obstacle. I see you, but I can do this” approach…and it didn’t work. Hold on…it didn’t work? “This must be a mistake,” I thought, “Let me try again.” Still, nothing happened. It was like a super villain added kryptonite to the secret compartment in my lunch box. I think that super villain must’ve slipped some kryptonite in my chimney at home because it got shaky there, too. The obstacles kept coming, and I felt like I was tripping over them left and right. Talk about getting knocked down a peg. Slowly, I let the challenges take away my drive, my passion and my hope for better outcomes. Superwoman hung up her cape in the closet and shut the door. Soon everything seemed like a challenge: getting up in the morning, helping with homework, going to the gym and being excited for the next pre-meeting at work to prepare for the pre-meeting before the real meeting the week after.
What happened to me? Where did I go? How could I have accomplished SO much and still feel like such a failure? I think I see now…each seemingly insurmountable challenge made me turn more and more away from God. Yes, I was still going to church and praying, but I made those challenges my god. I thought about them every single day and even framed my prayers around getting over them vs. just asking God that His will be done. Each day that I operated like this, I gave away a little more of my power until the “S” on my chest was barely visible. I went from “Why won’t I be able to accomplish this task?” to “You’re right, I guess I can’t do that. Maybe I’m not that girl anymore.”
After living this way for more than a year, I’m tired. I almost have to laugh when I get scared to do something because often it’s something I’ve done before, like start or rebuild a business. I’m almost ready to grab my cape out of the closet and fly off the roof into the world of the unknown. I say almost because it feels like a chain of conformity is tied to my ankle trying to keep me “grounded.” It’s tethered to a chain of insecurities like, “What if I don’t make enough money? What if I lose the house? What if I don’t make it?!” But what if I do? Tax refund season is coming, and I’m typically blessed with a refund. My family is willing to help. I have old clients who raved about my good work. I have friends. I have networks. I have God. Hmm…the cape is just sitting there in the closet, the window is open and it is a beautiful night. Maybe Superwoman can fly again. I think she’ll have to.
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